


Fallen Leaves

by junqhan



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Phobias, all in brief mention but just in case you feel uncomfortable
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-08 18:45:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5508767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junqhan/pseuds/junqhan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joonmyun keeps counting people he loses each time he blinks, until the counter stops at someone named Park Chanyeol.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fallen Leaves

**Author's Note:**

> if there's someone who makes me write exo, it must be hana. thanks for putting up with my random ramble about suyeol! (and for giving me ideas) (bae is the best ilysm)

 

_That night when you kissed me,_

_I left a poem in your mouth._

_And you can hear some of the lines_

_every time you breath out._

 

 

_-Andrea Gibson, Yarn_

 

 

 

The first one to leave was Minseok.

Minseok held his hand, his broken eyes staring at Joonmyun. "I'm sorry," he mouthed. "You know I don't belong here. I can't be in a place I don't belong to."

Joonmyun shook his head, "No," he said, voice trembling. "You belong here. With me. Minseok, _please_ , don't leave. I can't- I can't do this alone, I need you. The boys, they need you."

"Yes, they need you. But everything will be the same even without me," Minseok smiled weakly. "Thank you for everything, Joonmyun. And I'm sorry. I wish I could do something to make up for this, but I can't. Stay healthy, okay? And let the boys know I love them all, as much as I love you. You all will always be my family, remember that."

And with that, Minseok left. A part inside of Joonmyun cracked, the first wound was created.

 

 

 

Joonmyun first meets Chanyeol on early winter that year. He's a _giant_ ; a tall, clumsy, and smiley giant. He lives next to Joonmyun's apartment, and apparently he goes to work the same time Joonmyun does, and they open the door almost at the same time every day. And that very day, Joonmyun and Chanyeol bump into each other when they both running to the closing elevator and Joonmyun's stuff scattered on the floor.

"Oh my god!" the giant man squeaks in apology. "Oh my god, that was my fault. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, let me help you."

"It's okay, it was partly my fault. Running when you're having these much things in your hand is not recommended."

Chanyeol giggles softly. "I'm Chanyeol, Park Chanyeol." he says. "You're the lonely man living next to my door, right?"

Joonmyun frowns, but he nods. "I'll have you know that I'm feeling a bit offended at the way you label me. I'm Kim Joonmyun, by the way."

"Joonmyun," Chanyeol repeats, nodding. "Hey, you're always listening to sad music at night. I have to admit your sad songs collection is impressive, but they are so sad and I'm afraid I could cry only from listening them vibrating on my walls every damn night. It's my bedroom walls, for your information."

Joonmyun can't help but smile. "Count it as your lullaby. You'll have a good sleep."

Chanyeol scrunches his nose, "No. They give me nightmares."

Joonmyun's face changes at the mention of nightmare. _I have it too_ , he says to himself. _I have it every second as I breathing. No one knows the definition of nightmare better than me._

"Uh, are you okay?" Chanyeol tilts his head, "Did I say something wrong?"

"What? No, no, it's okay," Joonmyun takes a deep breath, faking a smile. "Ah, the elevator is coming down. Are you going with me?"

Chanyeol nods, still holding Joonmyun's belonging with him. "Sure."

 

 

 

Yixing was the second to leave.

He held Joonmyun's hand, pulled him into a hug without saying anything. Yixing had never been good with words, Joonmyun knew that. But he still managed to whisper _"Sorry, Joonmyun. I'm sorry."_ on his ear, and it was what broke Joonmyun's last string of defense. He sobbed into Yixing's shoulder, gripping on the other's shirt so tight he almost tore it.

Yixing nodded, slowly releasing Joonmyun's grip from his shirt. "Live well, Joonmyun. You deserve it. Tell the others I love them, so much. Thank you for everything. I'm sorry. This place... is not my place anymore."

Joonmyun fell to his knees and cried his heart out for the rest of the night. No one came to calm him down, no one said it was going to be okay. Because nothing is actually going to be okay ever since Minseok's gone.

Yixing left, and the second wound bled.

 

 

 

The coffee is black.

Joonmyun likes his coffee black, darker than everything around him. They are living in a colorless world, anyway. Joonmyun only learns to tell which one is black and which one is white. He wonders if the world has more color than the entire human had known for lifetime.

The chair beside him shifted and Joonmyun looks up to see Chanyeol, holding his own cup of coffee. He grins, asking a permission to sit. Joonmyun nods. "Yeah, you can sit there."

"Thank you, I was going to act cool a bit longer but the coffee is so hot and my hand is nearly burned."

Joonmyun smiles, something he rarely does. He only saw Chanyeol twice and he smiled because of him, twice. "I'm not a high school girl. Why are you pulling out the act with me? Want me to scream and call you oppa?"

"Wow, I don't know you're that kinky."

Joonmyun deadpans. Chanyeol cackles and almost knocks down his cup, luckily Joonmyun's reflexes are fast and he catches the cup before the content spills into Chanyeol's black tight jeans.

"What kind of person wearing skinny jeans on winter?" Joonmyun frowns after realizing what kind of outfit Chanyeol is wearing right now.

Chanyeol shrugs, "Someone like me," he answers.

"Isn't it a bit too much for a weather like this?"

"I know, but I have a show this afternoon. And this is... the dress code. The event is indoor, so you don't need to worry I'll die on the street because my skin can't do respiration under these tight materials."

"What? But I _don't_ worry," Joonmyun feels warm spreading on his face. Chanyeol hums happily beside him, sipping on his coffee. "Also, skin respiration and an indoor event has no correlation, as far as I know."

"Oh, I'm aware about that. I'm just saying, I'd be surprised if what I'm saying is true, because that would mean I'm a genius. I didn't even study about science in high school."

Joonmyun stares at the other person in disbelief. He can't believe he just met someone so shameless to actually realize he has zero sense of shame. A corner of his lips curls up into a small smile.

"What do you do, Chanyeol?"

"Me?" Chanyeol puts down his cup, looking so happy that someone is interested about his occupation. Joonmyun can read his face right away, Chanyeol is as easy as a five years old kid. "I compose, I make music. Not... in professional way, yet. The music I made is usually for charity, for kids with cancer or such."

"Oh, wow. You're a social person, huh?"

"Yup," Chanyeol nods, smiling wide. "I want to make people happy, as much as possible. I'm happy with the music I wrote, but it's not enough. I want people who hear my music feel happy, even happier than I am. It's like, you do something once and get double in return. This world has so little number of things that would make you happy, so I'm here to create another one."

So, the shameless giant is actually a nice person. Joonmyun likes his perspective about the world.

"How about you, Joonmyun?"

"Office worker. Boring."

Chanyeol laughs, "I didn't say that."

Joonmyun just smiles, sipping slowly on his drink.

"I have to go, my friends are waiting for me. See you later?"

 _See you later_. It's a promise. Joonmyun nods. "Yeah, see you later."

 

 

 

The next one to leave was Sehun.

Joonmyun loved Sehun like his own little brother. Sehun was like an obedient puppy, following him everywhere, buried his face on his neck with his long arms wrapped around Joonmyun's smaller body. Joonmyun thought he would have Sehun for himself forever - but he was wrong.

"I have to go, hyung."

"Why?" Joonmyun sobbed, tears running down his face like a waterfall.

"To be free from this pain," Sehun answered. "Hyung, I was in pain. It hurt me a lot, and you cried every time I was in pain. I don't want to see you sad because of me, and this is the only option I have." Sehun stroked Joonmyun's cheek softly. "Hyung, I love you. I love you so much."

And slowly, Sehun walked away. Joonmyun cried - screamed, cried, did everything to get Sehun back, but he didn't come back.

"I love you too, Sehun..." Joonmyun whispered.

Sehun left, it was the third mark of wound on Joonmyun's body.

 

 

 

Joonmyun sees Chanyeol walking back and forth in front of his own door that night, looking confused and lost. Joonmyun peeks curiously, and Chanyeol yells in shock when he realizes he's not alone.

"God, you scared me," Chanyeol puts a hand on his chest.

"You scared me more. Didn't you hear my footsteps on my way here?" asks Joonmyun. Chanyeol shakes his head.

"I was too busy panicking because I left my key, inside. Now I'm waiting for the landlord to bring the spare key but the traffic is bad and he doesn't know how much time he needs to be here. Oh my god, my big project was inside! And I'm already like, thirty minutes late for the show. And I'm _really_ hungry, what is that with you? It smells good."

Joonmyun snorts a laugh; Chanyeol is truly shameless.

"I bought chicken katsu for dinner, want some?"

"Can I?" Chanyeol's panic face lightens up. Joonmyun needs to control himself from laughing so hard at this man.

"Yeah, sure. Tell the landlord to call you when he arrives. Come in, it's freezing outside."

 

Joonmyun is not sure why he invites Chanyeol to his apartment. He has too much secret, living too long under the shadows to let someone steps into his cave. He's used with the loneliness, even looking for things that would press the feel harder. Joonmyun likes suffering. He's living with pain for too long to finally accept them as the part of his life.

But Chanyeol is different. Chanyeol shows him different way to see, to feel. Joonmyun feels comfortable, and he knows it's not something he supposed to feel. Everything he touches dies. People he loved left because of him, because they _tried_ to make it right for him.

He glances at Chanyeol, eating chicken katsu in his dining table with so much enthusiasm like he hasn't eaten for ages. It's been so long since the last time Joonmyun has a company. And it's nice, he doesn't want this feeling to end.

(He secretly hopes the landlord would take forever to come and give Chanyeol the spare key.)

"Joonmyun, aren't you going to eat? The food is getting cold." Chanyeol reminds him.

Joonmyun looks up, nodding his head. "Is the food okay?"

"More than okay!" Chanyeol flashes a thumb up. "Definitely the best meal I've ever had after suffering with instant noodles almost every night."

Joonmyun joins Chanyeol in the table, eating slowly. Ah, this is also the best meal he ever had after so long.

 

 

 

Baekhyun was the next to leave.

He clutched onto Joonmyun's shirt, tears staining his pretty face. "Hyung, I'm afraid," he croaked. _Me too_ , Joonmyun wanted to say. _Me too, Baekhyun._

"You were a great brother. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I had to leave this way. Don't hate me, hyung, okay?"

 _How could I hate you?_ Joonmyun really wanted to slap Baekhyun--wanted him to wake up. Or maybe it's Joonmyun who needs to wake up. He still can't find his voice. His eyes met Baekhyun's eyes, teary and blown with fear. Joonmyun felt the same way. He's too afraid to lose someone yet again.

"Hyung, sorry I disappointed you. Sorry I wasn't a great brother... but you do know I love you, so much. Live well, hyung. Have a good life. You've been good to all of us for these years, it's your turn to be happy now."

_Is it possible to be happy without you guys?_

_Baekhyun, answer me._

_Baekhyun..._

Baekhyun left after a final hug. Joonmyun could smell vodka and gin on his body before he walked away and never came back.

_Four._

 

 

 

Joonmyun feels suffocated, and he can't breath.

He walks to the balcony, pulling out a box of cigarette and a lighter. He's about to inhale the first smoke when someone speaks up, "Oh, I don't know you're smoking."

Joonmyun turns around. Chanyeol is sitting in the balcony next to him, wearing a loose black tank top and shorts. God, this is _winter_. A normal person can't get any weirder than Chanyeol, Joonmyun supposes. He observes the other man more: he's hugging his guitar like holding a pillow.

"You didn't ask," answers Joonmyun. "I don't do this often. Only when I'm... stressed out."

Chanyeol hums, "I know that." He says.

Joonmyun frowns, "Know what?"

"Your face always looks sad, like you're burdened with something. I think you're having a big problem but you don't have someone close enough to share the problem. And I think, if you have that much problems, you must be smoking, or drinking. Like how people do to run from reality for a little time."

His words jab Joonmyun's chest. _This fucking guy_ , Joonmyun inhales deeply, _he knows nothing. How dare he._

"My brother died of lung cancer last year," Chanyeol suddenly tells him. "He had a lot of problems, and he started smoking. And drinking, and using drugs, eventually. He told me they made him feel better. I _wanted_ him to feel better, I wanted him to stop abusing my mother out of stress and pressure. So I let him do whatever he wanted. Then, one day, he told me he had cancer. And then he died... a year ago, today."

Joonmyun doesn't remember holding his breath. Chanyeol is different today. He looks sad, kind of depressed. Joonmyun knows that feeling too well.

"I'm sorry," Joonmyun says, putting down his cigarette and lighter. "You must be hating, uh, them, after what happened to your brother."

Chanyeol chuckles, "My brother died because of me," he says, smiling weakly at Joonmyun. "I don't hate cigarettes, or beers, or drugs. Well, they are bringing up memories about my brother, and I hate it. But I hate more when someone I know depends on them to relieve themselves from the burdens they have, instead of talk it out with me or other people. There's another way of living, why would you hurt yourself and others around you only to look for a state of peace, that doesn't even real?"

Joonmyun sighs, "Living in this world is not as easy as that, Chanyeol."

"I know, my life hasn't been easy to me, either. But if you can solve the problems and _live_ , would you still choose death as an escape?"

Joonmyun doesn't answer. It hurts, it hurts that Chanyeol's words are true but they don't work on his case. He can't just solve his problems and live, because the problem is _him_. People he loves died because of him. Living in this world, feeling guilty every time he walks and blinks and breathes, suffocated by the memories of them who left is the way Joonmyun lives until today, and he's not fine, never been fine at all.

Then Chanyeol comes and opens his eyes. _He still has a life to live._

"If you could turn back time, would you wish for your brother to come back?"

Chanyeol strums his guitar quietly. "I don't know," answers Chanyeol. He's being honest. "I don't know. On the first days of his death, yes, I wish I could do something to bring him back, I would stop him from using those horrible things, I would make him live better. But then, would I learn how to fix myself if my brother didn't die? Would I see the world the way I see it now if my brother was still alive? Things are happened for a reason, Joonmyun. And it's always better that way. You can't be happy every day, but even when you're sad, you know you still can be happy the other day."

Joonmyun looks down, tears flowing to his cheeks before he realizes that he was crying. Chanyeol sees the tears, but he doesn't say anything. He strums his guitar, playing a song Joonmyun can't even tell the title. Chanyeol's deep voice fills the night and the small space between their balconies, accompanies Joonmyun with his memories about the ones he loved, the ones who had left.

Chanyeol sees Joonmyun cries for the first time that night. He doesn't tell anyone his heart breaks the way the other man's does.

 

(Joonmyun tells Chanyeol about the ones he loved three days later.

"This is Minseok, Yixing, Kyungsoo, Baekhyun, Sehun, Jongin, and Jongdae. They were my family, friends, the ones I loved the most in the whole world."

Chanyeol studies the picture on his hand carefully. "You have such a warm family," he comments. "Where are they, now?"

"They are... gone. Dead," answers Joonmyun, voice cold and dry, emotionless. _Exhausted_.

"Oh."

"They died because of me," the cold voice breaks, filled with insufferable sorrow. "They died because they wanted to see me alive."

Chanyeol doesn't say anything, but he keeps every word engraved on his mind.)

 

 

 

Joonmyun was hurt the most when Kyungsoo told him he had to leave. Like the others.

"Why?" Joonmyun couldn't keep the question forever on his head. He needed an answer. Even though Joonmyun knew both Kyungsoo and him didn't have the answer, none of them had.

"Because my time is up," Kyungsoo says, smiling. "I'm sorry, Joonmyun. I don't belong in this place anymore. I have to go."

"Do you... hate me?" Joonmyun asks, tears were pricking on the corner of his eyes. "Minseok, Yixing, Sehun, Baekhyun, now you. Do you all hate me?"

"No," Kyungsoo answers slowly. "No, love, we don't hate you. We would never hate you."

" _Then why?!_ " Joonmyun screamed, frustrated. "We lived just fine until Minseok left, and suddenly all of you were following him! How could you do this to me? What did I do wrong?!"

"You'll be fine, Joonmyun. Even without us. You need to be stronger, and you can't do it with us around. You haven't seen a lot of things in life, and you have to, but you have to do it with someone else." Kyungsoo wipes Joonmyun's tears gently, "See? It's for you. We did it all for you. We don't hate you, we did this because we love you so much."

_The tears still wouldn't stop._

Kyungsoo pressed a kiss on Joonmyun's forehead, whispering a good bye.

And then he was gone with a flame engulfing his figure.

_Five._

 

 

 

Joonmyun opens his door and finds Chanyeol standing there, a fist raised awkwardly. The taller man grins, lowering his hand quickly. "Good morning," he says. "I was about to knock and ask if you... well, interested in breakfast. With me."

Joonmyun has to leave for work in fifteen minutes, but he nods with a wide smile. For the first time in his lifetime, he doesn't care about the consequence he's going to face after breaking a rule. "Sure. Any idea?"

"French toast! And whatever you want for drink. But maybe not coffee, you need something brighter than a cup of dark water every morning."

"Chanyeol, we only know two colors in life. What's so wrong with dark water in the morning?"

"Mm, nothing. But look at yourself, Joonmyun. You're lovely. You need to live with the way people look at you. Bright, nice, _white_. And smile more, you look better looking with them."

Joonmyun frowns, "You barely know me for two months and you just called me lovely?"

Chanyeol shrugs, "What. Do I need a year to call you that? I thought you were lovely since the first time we met. At the elevator, remember."

An unfamiliar warm spreads on Joonmyun's cheek. "Please don't say you're saying all nice things to me so you don't have to pay for the breakfast."

"Bingo!" Chanyeol roars with laughter. He stops laughing when Joonmyun shakes his head, reaching for his wallet. Chanyeol quickly stops him, grinning like a little kid. Chanyeol is _literally_ a kid with overgrown body, from what Joonmyun sees until today. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I was serious about all the nice things, and since I invited you for breakfast, I'll pay. Let's say it's my thank you after emergency chicken katsu you gave me that day."

Joonmyun almost forgets about it--but Chanyeol still remembers it clearly. The warm spreads to his chest, like a blanket hugging his cold, lonely heart. Joonmyun smiles.

"Ah, I have something to tell you," Chanyeol hands him a piece of paper. "We have a performance this weekend. It's a charity for kids with HIV/AIDS, and I thought I could see you there? I mean, I want you to hear my music but I don't have enough confidence to play it alone right before your eyes."

"And? What makes it different with playing in front of _actual people at the event_?"

"I don't have time to be nervous because I still  _have_ to play."

Joonmyun laughs this time, softly. The sound makes Chanyeol smile--unconscious or not, Joonmyun finds Chanyeol looks gorgeous like this. "You're ridiculous."

"Thank you, I took that as a compliment. So, yes or no?"

"I should have time at weekend, but I'll let you know, then. Is this your number?"

Chanyeol nods. "We can go together, I will pick you up. Just tell me the time. Uh, is that okay with you?"

"Of course," Joonmyun answers without a slight of hesitant. "I'm hungry. Can we get straight to the food, now?"

Chanyeol beams, "Sure!"

 

 

 

When it was Jongdae's turn to go, Joonmyun felt like his heart had been ripped out of his chest.

Jongdae is, _was_ , once someone he loved more than a friend or brother. Jongdae was someone special, the only one who would show up on Joonmyun's door at midnight with a box of fried chicken and cans of soda when Joonmyun whined about the load of works he had to do and the deadline was near. Jongdae would stay up with him, even after he worked all day. Joonmyun loved Jongdae, _so much_. He thought love was enough to keep Jongdae. He was wrong.

Jongdae kissed him on the lips, and it was a goodbye kiss. A sign that Jongdae would never come back to give him more kisses, to surprise Joonmyun with his weird antics, to cuddle Joonmyun in his bed and lull him to sleep after a long and tiring day. Jongdae was leaving too.

"Find a better love, Joonmyun. A better love and a better person to love. I was so glad with the chance of loving you, but I wasn't enough to make you happy as much as you deserve. I really didn't want to share you with anyone else, but if that person could make you happier, why not? Your happiness is something I'd fight for over and over again, more than anything in my life. Be happy, my love. Remember that I will always love you, even when you can't see me anymore."

Jongdae kissed him for the last time, and then he was gone.

His heart was bleeding.

Joonmyun closed his eyes, letting the tears fall for the nth time already.

_Six._

 

 

 

It's Saturday, the day where Chanyeol's performance will be held. Joonmyun bites his lower lip, the other is twenty minutes late. Does Chanyeol forget to pick Joonmyun up today? Yes, he's been busy these days and Joonmyun rarely bumps into him in the morning or sees his wide grin when Chanyeol asks him to have breakfast or lunch together. Chanyeol even ignored his calls and texts in the past days, his only respond was short and seemed that he was always in hurry. Does he _really_ forget?

Anxiety starts bubbling in Joonmyun's chest. It's such an uncomfortable pain--the weird pain he got after Yixing left. Ever since then, Joonmyun would feel really depressed when he thought someone was forgetting about him or wasn't aware of his presence. The pain got worse after Kyungsoo was gone, and when Joonmyun went to the doctor, they said he had athazagoraphobia. It's an extreme fear of being left out or forgotten, caused by multiple trauma of losing someone.

 _You can heal that_ , they had suggested. Joonmyun refused. He believed his wound can be healed by time.

His wounds hasn't healed completely, and probably will never be healed. But it's getting better after he met Chanyeol; or was Chanyeol slipped into his life to form another wound?

Joonmyun slides to the floor, his body trembling. Cold sweat wets his head, face, neck, and Joonmyun starts crying to himself. The pain is here, it comes back. Joonmyun doesn't even try to reach his medicine in the kitchen counter. For once, he wants the pain to just swallow him whole and make him numb. Or maybe it could just leave him there dying, until he's too tired to fight.

The colorless world starts losing more color when Joonmyun feels someone catches him, pulling him close to a warm body. He smiles, and everything is black.

 

 

Joonmyun opens his eyes to a white room that doesn't seem like his own. He needs three whole minutes to realize that he's in a hospital, with Chanyeol sleeps on his side. Joonmyun touches Chanyeol's hair, confused. Is it real? Is it a dream? He doesn't remember anything - wait, he remembered something about his phobia. But it was too blurry and vague, and he didn't remember seeing Chanyeol.

Chanyeol wakes up, jolting in surprise. He blinks his wide eyes at Joonmyun as if to make sure Joonmyun has woken up, too.

"Joonmyun!" he yells, squeezing Joonmyun's body hard. "Are you okay? Are you hurt? Gosh, I was really frightened when I found you lying unconscious in the floor. And how come you didn't lock your door? What if something happened before I got there?"

Joonmyun blinks, now is his turn to be confused. "You were... late," he starts, slowly collecting his memories. "I unlocked the door because I was afraid you would wait for me. But you never came, and I was afraid, I--" he stops. His head hurts when he tries to recall more, and the pain was still visible. _Even now._

"I'm sorry, okay, I'm sorry. I was checking the preparation and it took longer than I expected, I didn't even have time to call you. I'm sorry, Joonmyun. God, I shouldn't let this happen. The doctor told me about your phobia, and I'm sorry I wasn't careful. I should have asked..."

Chanyeol is panicking and Joonmyun finds it endearing in some way. He raises a finger and presses it on Chanyeol's lips to effectively shut him up. "It was my fault, I didn't tell you about this. I'm sorry."

"Hey," Chanyeol's voice softens, "what do you mean it's your fault?"

Joonmyun shrugs, "Just don't wanna hear you blaming yourself over something you don't even have an idea about."

Chanyeol chuckles, "See, and you still haven't realized how lovely you are."

"How about the performance?"

Chanyeol huffs, "That's okay, I'm not the only composer who prepared for today. Everything is under control, and the performance went well."

Joonmyun sighs, can't hide his disappointment. "I didn't get to see you perform, I was looking forward for it."

"Ah, right. I didn't bring my guitar, too." Chanyeol nods, feeling just as disappointed. "Hey, wait. I could play for you here. Is that okay?"

Joonmyun raises an eyebrow. "Yeah, it's okay with me, but I'm pretty sure the hospital isn't okay with it. They would drag you out for making a fuss at a hospital, you know."

Chanyeol scratches his neck, laughing. "Right. It will have to wait for another day, I guess."

"Are you kidding? I've waited for this day since the beginning of the week. I don't want to wait any longer," Joonmyun presses the nurse bell, and when the nurse enters his room, he tells her he wants to discharge today. Chanyeol only blinks confusedly as the nurse quickly grants Joonmyun's request without asking much. After ten minutes of process, Joonmyun can leave the hospital.

"Wow," Chanyeol says, amused. "Are you really that influential? They gave you what you wanted in a blink."

Joonmyun grins at the taller man. "Chanyeol, this wasn't the first time my phobia relapsed. I'm okay, and I don't need to be hospitalized. I didn't take my medicine today, maybe that was what made it even worse. Sorry I scared you."

Chanyeol hums in thought, "Okay," he finally says. "Are you sure we can go somewhere?"

Joonmyun nods. "And where is it?"

Chanyeol smiles, "It's no fun if it's not a surprise."

 

 

Chanyeol leads Joonmyun to the venue where the performance was held earlier. The place is already cleaned up since the event has finished about an hour ago, but the chairs and the stage are still there.

"Have a seat," Chanyeol says. "And be ready to watch the most spectacular and miraculous performance by a wonderful composer known in Seoul. I can't guarantee you won't fall in love with me after this, but since it's not a bad thing, I'll be okay with it."

Joonmyun laughs, sitting way too proper to show Chanyeol he's not the only one who can play in this situation. "Of course I have prepared myself, Mr. Wonderful Composer. Come on, Chanyeol. It's going to freeze here in a few minutes."

"Oh, true." Chanyeol nods, running to the corner to pick out his guitar from the guitar case. He walks to the stage, sitting on a chair he dragged from the audience seat. "This is a song I finished making recently. You're the first person to hear this song, and I'm not sure if I can show this to my friends because the lyrics is too... personal. I put all my tears and emotion into this, and probably the most difficult song I've ever made."

Joonmyun sits there and waits for Chanyeol to continue. Chanyeol takes a deep breath, gathering his courage. "This song... is about a boy who's losing hope. He wants to end his life after he lost everything, but then he meets someone who changes his whole life. That someone brings light to his darkness, and he wants to tell him he means the world for him. The boy... falls for him, but he's not sure how to tell the other man. Because the man seems so distant, and the boy knows nothing about him, yet he doesn't know how to get closer to him."

Chanyeol drops his head, exhaling deeply. "The boy was me, and the other person... it was you."

Joonmyun gasps. Chanyeol starts singing, pouring his heart out into the lyrics and melody. The song sounds _perfect_. It sounds perfect because both Joonmyun and Chanyeol can relate to each word in it. The flashback hits Joonmyun like a truck--when he first met Chanyeol, Chanyeol's smile, Chanyeol's grin, Chanyeol's voice singing for him in the balcony. A warm feeling, now familiar, spreads around Joonmyun's body and he feels alive; for the first time after losing all the people he loved, he feels alive.

Joonmyun stands up from his seat, running to the stage and pulls Chanyeol into a kiss. He can feel tears brimming on his eyelids, and he shuts his eyes tight to let them run down his cheek. Chanyeol rests his arm in Joonmyun's waist, pulling him closer, kissing him deeper.

When they pull away, Joonmyun stares into Chanyeol's dark orbs, feeling a sudden urge to lean in and kiss him again. If now he was dreaming, Joonmyun doesn't mind sleeping forever.

"Don't..." he breathes shakily, "don't leave me. Don't ever leave me."

"I won't." comes Chanyeol replies, firmer, tougher. _It sounds like a promise._

Joonmyun decides to believe.

 

 

 

Jongin threw a tantrum when it was his time to go. He was angry--because he didn't want to leave. But he had to, just like everyone else in Joonmyun's life.

"I can't leave you like this, hyung," Jongin pleaded, eyes wet with tears. "Not after the pain you'd gone through after all the hyungs and Sehun gone. I don't want to leave you feeling sad and guilty. I _can't_."

"It's okay, Jongin. It's okay..."

"What do you mean it's okay? No, nothing was okay ever since Minseok hyung was gone. I don't want to go, hyung. Please. Let me stay. _Please_."

It's ironic, Joonmyun thought. Some times ago he was pleaded to Minseok, begging for him not to go, but he left, anyway. And now Jongin, his sweet little brother Jongin who he loved so much, pleading the same at him. Minseok couldn't do anything that time, neither could Joonmyun this time. Jongin's time is up.

"I'm tired, Jongin," Joonmyun said, tears rolled down his cheek and he felt numb after all those same, repeated event. "I don't want to see you hurt. I don't want to see anyone hurts because of me. I'm tired of holding on people who had to leave."

Jongin sobbed, pulled Joonmyun into a tight hug.

He walked away not too long after that.

Joonmyun closed his eyes, everything's gone.

_It ended here, now._

 

 

 

They first have sex that night at Chanyeol's apartment. It's slow, no rushing, with Chanyeol worshiping every inch of Joonmyun's body. Joonmyun feels loved, completed, _existed_. Chanyeol whispers all the beautiful words Joonmyun wants to hear to him, only for him. And when Joonmyun reaches his climax, it was one of the best experience in Joonmyun's life.

He sleeps peacefully on Chanyeol's arm, another long arm wraps around his stomach. He can hear Chanyeol's heart beats in the same rhythm with his, and Joonmyun knows it's real. Everything is real. He snuggles closer to Chanyeol, breathing warm on his neck. Chanyeol shifts to tuck Joonmyun's head under his chin, kissing his crown sleepily and hugging him tighter.

Joonmyun's sleep was dreamless that night.

 

 

 

_One, two, three, four, five, six, seven._

Joonmyun counts how many people had left. Seven. It might be more, but Joonmyun can't remember clearly. He feels like watching a tree losing its leaves during autumn. The tree is alone and sad, but it stands strong until spring comes and it blooms again, fresh little leaves peep out to bring the tree back to life. And the tree is okay. After spring, the leaves stop falling from the tree.

The tree was Joonmyun. Autumn was when he lost people he loved, and spring was Chanyeol.

As easy as that.

 

 

 

(In fact, nothing is really _that_ easy.)

There are nights where Joonmyun's nightmares keep him up with anxiety, and he doesn't want to see Chanyeol at all. He's afraid he would hurt him; Joonmyun doesn't want to lose Chanyeol. Joonmyun is positively sure, the only way to keep Chanyeol there for him is by staying as far as possible from Chanyeol, and of course, for Chanyeol, the idea is absolutely abnormal.

"Joonmyun, love, please listen to me. Nothing will work like this--"

"No, Chanyeol, you don't understand." Chanyeol knows Joonmyun is holding back his tears. Chanyeol wants to stab himself--even after Joonmyun is with him, he still can't stop the tears from falling no matter how hard he tries. "I don't wan't to lose you like everyone else. I don't--"

Joonmyun cries, his sobs are audible and every second kills Chanyeol with them. He's hurt, hurt, _hurt_ , knowing that the pain in Joonmyun's heart is irreplaceable. Knowing that it will take forever for him to heal Joonmyun's wounds. He doesn't mind, really, but Joonmyun does. He always thinks he would hurt Chanyeol with everything he does, and it does hurt Chanyeol.

"Joonmyun--"

"Leave me alone, Chanyeol."

Chanyeol does.

He sits with his back pressed to his bedroom's wall, the one that connects to Joonmyun's living room where Joonmyun plays his sad song collection every night before they talked to each other. Chanyeol knows Joonmyun is there, probably hugging his knees to his chest, right in the opposite side with Chanyeol's position. Chanyeol knocks the wall, and he hears rustling sound behind. _Joonmyun is there_.

"Joonmyun?" he calls. No answer, but more rustling sounds. Chanyeol keeps talking. "I'm writing a song right now. It's about a lovely boy who wants to love but he's afraid to. He thinks he had killed people because he loved them, and those people died after loved him back. And there's this boy, tries to tell him that it's really okay to love again, but the lovely boy refuses. The boy tries to tell him that... even if it hurts, it's really okay with him. He could bear the pain, he knows it won't be easy. He doesn't know what the lovely boy thinks about this, what do you think?"

Chanyeol hears a soft sniff behind the wall, and suddenly, without him knowing, a tear rolls down his face, following by another, another, and Chanyeol starts sobbing with a fist stuffed into his mouth.

 

 

 

It takes a week until Chanyeol can have Joonmyun in his arm again, the smaller man's face buried on Chanyeol's thick sweater. Joonmyun is so small around him, so warm and delicate, and Chanyeol swears to god he would do anything to stop the bleeding on this man's heart. Chanyeol leans down to capture Joonmyun's lips, those lips still as soft and sweet as the last time Chanyeol tasted them. The kisses soon turn into something more, hotter and more passionate, and soon clothing feels too hot for both of them.

Chanyeol doesn't know how to spell love until Joonmyun; but now, with Joonmyun wriggles contentedly under him, eyes closed and mouth agape and looks undeniably beautiful, Chanyeol spills it into the smaller man's mouth like a mantra. He covers Joonmyun's soft moans with kisses, hoping it would ease the pain. Both the pain on his lower body and the pain Chanyeol can't see, but he knows it's _always_ there.

"I love you," Chanyeol whispers on Joonmyun's lips, but he gets no answer. Joonmyun doesn't even look at him.

 

 

 

(It's getting harder from there.)

The fights get more frequent. Chanyeol is exhausted, but he still wants to try anything, _anything_ for Joonmyun. Joonmyun is tired of pushing Chanyeol away, but wanting him to stay at the same time.

Chanyeol caught him with pills that day--the day where Joonmyun is already too tired to think about living for another day. The nightmares won't stop, even with Chanyeol's arms around him at night. The torment of losing people he loved, the guilty feeling. His phobia. Everything.

Chanyeol throws out the pills before Joonmyun can reach a glass of water to gulp them all, and Chanyeol has never seen Joonmyun angrier than he is now. He throws a punch to Chanyeol's face, and the taller man tastes blood on his tongue.

"What the fuck, Joonmyun!"

" _YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND_!" Joonmyun hollers, " _YOU DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND THE SUFFER I HAVE GONE THROUGH FOR YEARS_!"

"I tried to do that!" Chanyeol replies, "I was trying so fucking hard to do that! I want to share the pain with you, but you were always the one who pushed me away!"

"I don't want you to get hurt!" Another punch is thrown to Chanyeol's face. Chanyeol gets up, grabbing Joonmyun's collar shirt and punches him back. Joonmyun needs to wake up. And if this is the only way, Chanyeol will do it. No matter how much it pains him inside.

"Then stop acting like I wasn't fucking care about you!"

Joonmyun stops crying out, his face is a mess with blood and tears, and Chanyeol wants to hug him. Whispers on his ear that everything is going to be okay, and they can forget about what happened today. But things don't always work the way Chanyeol wishes it did.

"I don't want to lose you, Chanyeol. You're... no different with them. With those people who left. You did everything you could for me, just like them, and it was what took them from me. I'm afraid," Joonmyun starts sobbing uncontrollably, "I'm afraid that you would leave me, I have no one else, and I'm _tired_ \--"

Chanyeol pulls Joonmyun into his arm, hugging him. Pressing Joonmyun's body close to his. "I won't leave. I promised you, remember? And I swear, Joonmyun, I swear I will try to stop all the pain you feel, I will stop your nightmares, and we can work together to heal your phobia. You heard me? You'll never be alone, never again. I will stay, no matter how hard it is, I will stay. I promise."

Joonmyun looks up; Chanyeol's face is _also_ a mess. He stares at those dark eyes, they look like a promise. They look like a future.

Joonmyun inches closer to Chanyeol and two long arms wrap around his body immediately. Chanyeol has promised, and Joonmyun trusts him.

 

 

 

 

 

"Hey, Joonmyun, come here."

Chanyeol is lying on the ground, watching leaves fall slowly from a big tree. It's already autumn, Joonmyun's least favorite season, and Chanyeol still doesn't get why. Autumn is beautiful, even in the world where they can only tell two colors in life.

"Are you seriously lying here for hours only to watch the tree getting bald?" Joonmyun asks, half-wonder and half-amused. Chanyeol just hums in response, pulling his lover down to lie beside him because Joonmyun is unmoving from his sitting position. "Ow! Hey, what are you doing?"

"Watching the tree gets bald," answers Chanyeol. "Do you know why leaves are leaving the tree on autumn?"

"No," Joonmyun shakes his head. "Why?"

"Because the tree doesn't want its leaves to suffer during winter. Tree loves them so much, so it let them go with a promise to come back again after winter ends. Some people may think the tree is suffering alone, but in fact, it's waiting for a perfect time to be a proper tree again. What it needs is people who are patient enough to wait and see it grows its leaves again."

Joonmyun laughs, "And the conclusion is?"

Chanyeol smiles fondly, lifting up Joonmyun's hand to kiss the back of it. "Stay with me, until the the leaves grow and the tree is not bald anymore." _I love you._

Joonmyun nods, beaming. "Sure, I will stay with you." _I love you too._

 

**Author's Note:**

> source of feels: EXO - Sing For You, One Direction - Infinity (just because), and a bunch of suyeol pics i kept staring all day. bye. complain, anger, whatever can be directed to [twitter](http://twitter.com/minseoqt)


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